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J. Jonah Jerkson
Sat Mar 05, 2005 at 04:36:22 pm EST
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The Baroness, Part 23. An Interview
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The Baroness, Part 23
The Interview

“Telephone for you, your excellency,” Sally announced. “Mrs. J. Jonah Jerkson.” Sally stayed on the line. This might be fun.

“Hello, I’m Elizabeth Zemo.”

“Oh, Baroness, your highness, this is Adele Jerkson, J. Jonah Jerkson’s wife.”

“I know who you are. You’re suing me and calling my home ‘an architectural tsunami.’”

“Well, let’s put that to one side for a moment. I’m calling because I’m the co-chair with Irene von Schlemmelmann of the Parodiopolis Internationall Film Festival, and it occurred to me that you might be interested in joining our committee as a sponsor. It could be a way of introducing yourself to the cultured society of Parodiopolis.”

“Well, . . . “

“That’s just fine. We ask each member to sponsor a film of their choice for $50,000. Let me read you some of the choices, and you tell me what you think about sponsoring them. If you like, you could certainly sponsor more than one.”

“I suppose.”

“First, we have ‘Kontroll, a slapstick tale of redemption set in the Budapest subway system with a ragtag group of ticket inspectors.’ It’s directed by Nimrod Antal.”

“Too chaotic.”

“How about Rachel Boynton’s Our Brand is Crisis? ‘In this candid, bullet-paced documentary, American political consultants advise the incumbent Bolivian president on his reelection campaign.’ There are some great shots of them with llamas.”

“Too remote.”

"Perhaps something more intellectual? And French? Robin Campillo's first film is They Came Back. 'One morning, a small French city wakes up to discover groups of recently dead people walking into town. And also, though healthy and energetic, the returnees seem somehow different from before.'"

"Too derivative."

“Well, how about a German film? Oskar Roehler is a confirmed talent, he’s already made one film. Let’s see, 'Agnes and His Brothers is a bone-dry comedy about male hysteria. Moritz Bleibtreu plays a chronic masturbator, Martin Weiss plays Agnes, who is a female transsexual, and Herbert Knaup is Werner, a Green Party leader with a bickering marriage.’”

“Too dreary for words.”

“Oh, you are discriminating, aren’t you? Well, let’s look at some of the really good stuff. ‘Two Great Sheep is by director Liu Hao, who crafts a caustic, bittersweet parable of life in rural China. Uncle Deshan is a hardscrabble peasant who is given two rare foreign sheep by the government. They become surrogate children who require special food and care and on whom all manner of attention is lavished by the doting Uncle Deshan and his wife.’”

“Too Disneyesque.”

“Well, I was saving this one for Consuela del Barolo, but I guess you can have it. It’s Murderball by Henry Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro. ‘Welcome to the world of international “quad rugby,” in which quadriplegic athletes ride around in fortified wheelchairs scoring points and smashing opponents. The U.S. team ruled the roost before being beaten in 2003 by Team Canada, coached by a former U.S. star cut from the U.S. squad who vowed revenge. Can the U.S. make a comeback?’”

“Really, Adele – I can call you Adele, can’t I? -- I appreciate your saving so many special films for me to sponsor, but I’m just not up enough on movies to make a sensitive choice. Perhaps I could sponsor in some other way?”

“What a splendid idea, Elizabeth – I can call you Elizabeth now, can’t I?” The Baroness’ teeth ground slightly. “We have a separate campaign going for the Parodiopolis Variety Theater, which needs renovation again after that miserable Hellraisers attack. We desperately need a donor for the Grand Foyer, which is slated as a $2 million donation. Is it just possible that you might know someone who could step up and be the lead donor?”

“You know, Adele, I do know someone who could do just that. But with all this litigation about my castle, and responding to the community groups and the nasty letters in your husband’s paper, I hardly have any time to consider charitable matters. Now if those were to go away, I’d certainly be able to find time to fill that $2 million hole.”

“Well, I’d need to talk with a few of my friends, but there’s always reluctance to bother a civic benefactor who takes a leading role in difficult times. In fact, I’m almost certain that the Daily Trombone would be very supportive – or my dear J.J. will be spending more time with me than he would like, ha, ha!”

“How droll,” the Baroness replied. “I’m so glad we understand each other. I’ll start the ball rolling with a $500,000 donation, and as soon as those distractions come to a close, I’ll find the rest.”

“Marvelous! And you will sit at the head table with us at the gala, of course.”

“Why don’t you have your secretary work it out with my social secretary, Sally Rezilyant?”

“Of course, darling. Looking forward to seeing you soon, and thank you so much.”

Sally came in a few minutes later. “What a tedious woman,” she ventured.

“At least that movies thing got her and her friends off my back,” Elizabeth replied. “I wish that would work with some of my other problems . . . “ Her voice drifted off.

“You’ll have to think about that later,” interrupted Sally. “The interview team from Modern Malefactor is here. “


Modern Malefactor-- March 2005

Our Machiavelli of the Month

In the Parodyverse, new villains emerge almost every day. But not many of our fresh faces have the intangible “zing” that marks them as potential world conquerors. Our Machiavelli of the Month, Baroness Elizabeth Zemo, though, has the smarts and style to make herself a real menace. Modern Malefactor interviews Her Excellency, Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen.

Modern Malefactor: The big question, Baroness, is how you are connected with Baron Heinrich Zemo, the renowned original archvillain of the Parodyverse. Are you really a Zemo?

Baroness Elizabeth Zemo: As much as he was. I’m his grand-niece; my grandfather was Heinrich’s older brother, Baron Ottokar Zemo.

MM: Is it true that Baron Ottokar is still around?

BEZ: You might say that he’s around in spirit, although he was reported dead in Transylvania over 60 years ago. I feel very close to my grandfather.

MM: You came late to villainy, didn’t you?

BEZ: That’s right. Three months ago I was a graduate student in psychology. Then I found out that I was Baron Heinrich’s heir, and everything just sort of happened after that.

MM: Well, in three months you’ve gone from impoverished graduate student to a globetrotting financier. You’ve been seen at the most expensive hotels in London and Munich, and you’ve just moved an entire castle to the most desirable location in Parodiopolis, for which you paid cash. Did you find some hidden treasure of Baron Heinrich’s?

BEZ: No, the only thing he left me was some of his technology.

MM: So the rumors are true that you are behind the big oil shortage, and making billions from it?

BEZ: . . . . Those are just rumors. I don’t think I have to comment about every rumor that comes around. Although some of my investments have been doing very well.

MM: I’m sure that was just luck. [sniggers]. But seriously, some of our sources say that you aren’t supervillain material, or that you aren’t serious. After all, you spent Christmas with the Lair Legion. What do you say to them?

BEZ: One thing I learned from my great-uncle’s experience is that the more you gloat in public, the faster you get swatted down. The people who talk don’t know what I’m doing and the ones that do aren’t talking.

MM: So is there anything you can share about your plans with us?

BEZ: My only plans are to be a good citizen of Parodiopolis and to promote peace, goodwill and harmony throughout the world.

MM: Eeew. I hope you’re being ironic.

BEZ: [deadpan] Of course not.

MM: Eeew, doubled. Well, so that our readers don’t think this is a total loss, would you give me your impressions of a few of the major characters in the Parodyverse? What about Mr. Epitome?

BEZ: If his asshole were any tighter he’d shit backwards.

MM: CrazySugarFreakBoy!?

BEZ: An id pathetically trying to be a superego.

MM: Hatman?

BEZ: The kind of boy every mother wants to marry her daughter and every daughter runs away from.

MM: Sir Mumphrey Wilton?

BEZ: Looks were never so deceiving.

MM: Akiko Masamune?

BEZ: Her brains are as formidable as her sense of style. I’d rather work with her than against her.

MM: The Hooded Hood?

BEZ: A man so in love with the complexity of his schemes that he’ll never succeed.

MM: Speaking of love, how about De Brown Streak?

BEZ: Cute, but he gets boring quickly. I don’t have any feelings for him, really. He’s not worthy of me. I mean, we just aren’t meant to be. I don’t want to see him again, ever.

MM: We’ll be sure to let him know how you feel. Count Wolfgang Fokker?

BEZ: He sleeps with the night light on. Not to mention what he sleeps with.

MM: Visionary?

BEZ: I’m suing him for $50 million. On the advice of my lawyers, no comment.

MM: O.K, then what about the Junior Lair Legion? You were credited with saving them during the Hellraisers attack.

BEZ: A dip, a dog, a drip, a ditz, a dork and a devil. They should be penned up with a few dozen Sentinoids for their own safety.

MM: That’s harsh. All right, who’s on your team at the moment?

BEZ: My right-hand woman is Silicone Sally, who you’ve met. I’ve also recruited Anvil Man, Expired Warranty, HuntingJusticeDeathMarrow, Huntmaster and Razor Ballerina -- all strictly as essential security personnel, of course.

MM: That’s a rather small team for supervillainy. So it’s true that you’re not planning any momentous operations?

BEZ: On the contrary. I have big plans. I just don’t need huge armies of minions to execute them. That’s so Old Economy.

MM: Well, what can you tell us about your plans?

BEZ: I just decided that it’s time to look closely at the entertainment industry. Movies in particular.

MM: So you’re going to become a movie mogul?

BEZ: Let’s just say I’m going to be looking up some old footage.

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo:

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People


Endnote: All the films are real and are entered in the New Directors/New Films festival this month in New York, presented by the Museum of Modern Art and the Film Society of Lincoln Center. The descriptions come from the festival summary.


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